Still Waiting.

Don't want to grow up for like ever. Is that possible? Not that it's due to the intention to evade natural death or to pay taxes or simply to age (although, I do secretly wish for them), it's that awareness that time is running out for me to make the big break. The older I get, the more impatient I'd get.

Back then, when I was say, 14, so bloody care-free I was that all I had to and would do was to go to school, get out of it when the bell rang, finish up my homework, and the rest, I spent it on TV. That, and waiting for tomorrow to dawn on me. All I was doing back then was waiting, calmly as if something is going to fall on my lap.

Urh... Sue, don't you want to start getting active in co-curricular activities in school since you know, it polishes your resume - What the F**k, I'm only 14. Plus, convention has it that only the seniors get to hold posts in clubs and societies, so I can wait.

Sue, don't you want to start taking tuition classes since PMR is only just next year. What? - No000, you've mentioned the reason already, it's a whole freaking year away. Why start so early?! It can wait.

Sue, don't you want to start dating? You can take out half of the hours you spend on watching TV and spend it on boys instead? - You must be kidding. Firstly, there isn't any guys I like and vice versa. And, to begin dating at 14? I'll be worried for that dude cause Dad will surely kill him. It can definitely wait.

Everything could wait because damn, I was too young for anything. And now, I'm too old for them.

And may I rationalise the reason for the dormant, unambitious lifestyle - It was simply that the peers around me are just like me, going to the same school, experiencing the same cycle of routine day in day out. They were also waiting for themselves to grow older and then be sucked into this joy-vacuumed years of constant pressure to ... I don't know, discover eternal joy? There was yet to be any pressure on me to do and be better than them.

8 years gone by, finally, my wait is over. Here I am, scrambling for every second I've got to pursue that eternal joy or the shorter term goal which is to perform better than my peers. But one thing I could never apprehend is, why the hell do I need to forsake my used-to joy to chase for that eternal joy, which doesn't seem to be closing in any time soon? Why can't I be happy now and try to be happy-er in the future?

I was so freaking happy back then. Even though I had to walk to and fro the school and the grocery. But I was happy. Even though there were people who dissed me on my surname. But I was happy. Even though I didn't have many friends. But I was really really happy.

Entering into my semi-adulthood, I, along with my peers are judged and judge others based on what we have, be it intelligence, wealth, curves (?), the perimeters of our social network, oh and most importantly which university we're enrolled in. Why is it not possible to simply judge based on how happy one is?

After 5 years of investing my instant happiness in an effort to triumph over my contemporaries, I'm caving in to the fact that it's not worth the speculation anymore. More and more people around me are no longer playing in the same league as I do. I am in a way, in a league of my own, but nowhere near the premier one.

If I were happy now, I am certain that I wouldn't mind aging twice faster than the normal rate is. But the sad truth is, I'm not, therefore, I AM NOT WILLING TO AGE NO MATTER WHAT.