The Light at the End of the Tunnel... Where is it?

Here I am, writing in the middle of the wolves' howling and the moon sinking into the misty clouds, precipitating tears as if there's no tomorrow. And this has been the routine I have gone through for almost every sleepless night. I don't know why but in the midst of being jolly for one matter, there is always that one matter which would never fade into the happiness. Instead, it would come back and haunt me as if to remind me that my life would never end without regrets. I have let my loved ones down. It's ironic because I have always thought that they love me more that I do towards them. But after 19 years, little did I know that I actually love them more what I thought I would have. I do not know if this is a thing to be celebrated of or just a thing I should feel ashamed of. It is also weird of how I actually came to know that fact. It was when I realised that my heart was shattered into pieces, irretrievable, when their hearts were frustrated. It was when I had my tears rolled down my cheeks when their cheeks were red, filled with embarrassment. It was when my head was aching when their foreheads manifested fine but umpteenth lines. I am devastated, not due to what I've done, but because of what they expressed when they discovered the blunt and sharp dose of reality. Is it really that difficult to vent all my heartaches to the world? I know what I want. But, amidst of treading down the road I have taken, I hurt the pedestrians. Is it now all worth it? Is there a U-turn along that road which I can possibly manouevre myself to take? If there really is one, would I want to take it? Without any hesitation and a heavy heart? Do I even want to see the way back? What I do know is that I want these miseries to be evacuated from my memory while knowing that this is impossible... at least for now. Let's just hope time will soothe aches and sanitise anguishes.