I'm waiting.

This whole incident struck me like a deja vu. It's happened time and again. It's not her fault, I should be happy for her but I found myself struggling to force a smile out. I've always thought a pitiful childhood will be reimbursed with an adulthood abundant with happiness. I've always thought what she has now will vanish within the years to come and those years to come would be my time to rise above others' expectation of me. All the waiting have exhausted my hunger for excellence and dashed my little hopes of having the last laugh.

Perhaps it's because I've met failure, that it has never seemed to have left me alone.

Monstrous.

Okay, I'll admit - I've been trying too hard far too long. What I am today (being pretentious) is a result of that relentless commitment of filling in the role I was taught to aspire to be one day. I've always wanted to be the person with subtle elegance and charisma with some degree of authority thriving along with almost everything I touch and get involved in. But what that ambition has made of me, is something I chide myself for every single day. And for these days, I would stand before the mirror, looking for my reflection, and turn away. I couldn't bear looking at my ugly self. I have turned into a monster, obsessed over perfection and everything glamorous, and intimidated by the better, greater things other monsters possess. I have to stop being so uptight and possessive over myself. Spontaneity and impulse are qualities I look at in admiration but those I could only yearn for in a life removed from the eyes of the people I want to impress who also happen to be the bunch I cherish the most.

My Treasured Heartache

Remember this date - 14th January 2012 - The day where FT Island held a concert in Malaysia and I couldn't be there to witness that historical event. I know I know, the older, more wrinkled and more matured me who is reading this at a later time would read this entry and begin giggling at the sight of the word, 'FT Island', reminiscing how silly I was then. But remember, I am at this point, as I'm writing, am on the verge of ripping my heart out to bring its burning sensation to a halt. As a result of the failure to do so, I was made to endure withdrawal symptoms. Lack of concentration, anxiety, high-octane level of sensitivity, and the extreme somberness were only some of the many psychology rides I have been taking on today.

I am sorry, Superpeng, for forsaking a rare opportunity for you to indulge sinfully in fangirl-ing over a group of 5 cutie pies. I swear that I'll make myself work very hard, earn lots and lots of money that I'll pay people for chaperoning me to concerts.

Sunlight.

Watched 'Breaking Dawn' this morning.

And truth to be told, I am one of those romantic hopeless, tearing up over little heroic acts and big, creative, moving lines. And that's exactly what Breaking Dawn is TRYING to be. If you've read one of my previous posts on Moonlight, I said something along the lines of, that film was attempting to be something it's not capable of. And I'll have to copy and paste that remark for this installment.

But thankfully, there weren't many nugatory happenings to the build-up, unlike the previous ones. In fact, they jumped right to the readers' favourite and audience's hyped about scene - D wedding. The wedding dress was different than what one would have expected and I shall not comment on that. I have my own fantasies about the best-looking wedding dresses. On a solemn note though, that formality was job well done. It was as if it was done by ticking off every component on the list of must-haves for a perfect wedding - parents presenting family's treasured heirloom to the bride, check; mom tearing up, check; dad's lukewarm treatment towards his son-in-law, check; never-before-seen kindred, check; the bossy bridesmaid, check; the cheeky bridesmaid, check; a little bit of the family feud in between, check; some man (or in this case, a werewolf), baulking with the news of the marriage, oh so check; a wide-ranging genre of toasts - some were farcical, some were felicitous, and some were frivolous, check; and of course, how can we miss the very touching lines enunciated by both the bride and groom, that one not so check. There was nothing I found creative neither was it moving. Oh, there was one and it couldn't even be classified as a novelty. It was just a recital of the stale we-will-remain-married-for-better-for-worse-for-richer-for-poorer-in-sickness-in-health-blah blah blah wedding vows.

Damn, couldn't comment on the highlight of the film - the bed scene! It didn't get pass our censor. Too bad. I thought, if there's one thing which will receive credit from me, that would be their bed scene.

But there really is something worth some credit. Bella's father! He was good. Good as an actor and as a father. In fact, he nearly stole the spotlight in the wedding. Tears welled up when he bid her daughter goodbye and quipped that there's always a home for Bella to return to if she's not happy with the Cullens.

I have a serious complaint to file in the dialogue department - Why can't you just say that Edward will kill Bella if they were to have sex?! Why the purposeful bereavement of the word, sex or first night or intercourse?! Is it because it's going to take the literary element out of the dialogue? Or is it that it'll make Americans sound smarter? I took a wholesome 9 seconds to figure what Jacob was mad about when he found out Bella wouldn't be 'transformed' on the night of the wedding. Or maybe it's just that I'm dumb. And that would give you a rough idea of how the entire script was written. They were talking about some things without mentioning that something in their conversation. That's not cool. I'm not saying the audience wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out but the dialogue was very contrived. Like, the characters want themselves or the scriptwriter or the author want the characters to sound smart which didn't come across as such to me.

Phew, that's only on the first half of the film. The remaining of the film, was the same old story. The continuation of the battle between the dogs and the bats. The battle scene wasn't even epic to begin with. We already knew what was coming - the vampires will be lose the fight but win the battle.

Huge spoiler ahead!

Bella turning into vampire. Really? It will then defeat the whole theme weaving ubiquitously - the romance between an immortal and a mortal. So now we're heading to another instalment of the same film but with a different theme?

The whole film was better than what I had expected. I'm dead serious here! - despite the impression elicited in the above paragraphs. I walked into the theatre watching Twilight, expecting something different but was pleasantly surprised. That paved a higher expectation for the second one and it was downright imploded. And then the third one was less annoying. So, I told myself to not expect ANYTHING from Breaking Dawn and I was once again, just like the first time, pleasantly surprised. See, the trick is the mental strategy you set yourself for. But for a film which has grossed so much and garnered so much hype for, it was simply not good enough. And it certainly is nowhere near the bar set by Harry Potter. Sorry for being so mean. When my brother asked why am I still willing to pay to watch it, I told him, "Oh, I'm just as shallow as any of the girls out there". And I bet I will still portray that sort of willingness when the finale comes out next year.

My First.

A toast to a first for me today. A first for hesitating to look forward to tomorrow and the days bound to come. A first for the desire that this day and this minute will linger around longer, the hunger for the hands in my analog watch to simply stop winding, and the desperate wish that the sun will not sink into the eerie darkness haunting the tail-end of the day. This is the moment I want to savour, to appreciate and to bask in, for all the entrapment I've endured since I could remember.

The sombre melody emanating from the MP3 given by my brother as a birthday present, protruding into my ears, felt unusually uplifting today. As I looked outside through the gigantic window panel in the bus, I urged myself to allow my lips to sport a broad smile albeit the risk of being mistaken as a fool by the not knowledgeable folks passing by as I may just miss the only time I can do so, so naturally. As I took that second to elaborate my lips, breathe in, and chest out, my heart was released of any sort of disgruntlement, dissatisfaction and jealousy. Just sheer contentment that was all in there. And I knew in that instance that the risk was well paid off.

I don't want this day to end, nor this year to end, nor this term to end, nor this college-going days to end. How can I prevent them all from coming true? For the first time ever, I'm happy with where my feet land on, with the scenic view my eyes lay upon, with the grueling tasks my hands juggle with. If there is a trap I will fall for and be trapped in forever, it is this bubble of happiness I'd beg for. It may not give much, not enough for me to stand with my own might, not enough to reach the sparkling stars clattered in the mighty sky. It matters not to me, not now - as finally, there is something, a result of my own-doing, that makes me feel I am worth of a place on this planet Earth. And cheers to that.

Just realised what I'm worth to them. I'm nothing but a tool for them to maneuver around.