Pressure and Time.

Pressure and time get the better of me all the time. They are merciless enemies of the extreme in my life, and in others too I'm sure. It is a paradox however, to foretell how my life would have come off far worse than it is now without them. Guess there is a little bit of a love-hate relationship going on between us.

I Have a Dream.

Dreaming is my hobby. Working out the alternative path I could have been treading upon looks like a sustainable, fitting ritual to kill the time I can afford to spend on doing nothing. It comes at no cost, requires no extraordinary force for it to work its magic and more significantly, it keeps me alive.

But when, when am I going to wake up and plant my feet on firm and real grounds and to come to terms with the genuine superficiality all humans conform to?

Still Waiting.

Don't want to grow up for like ever. Is that possible? Not that it's due to the intention to evade natural death or to pay taxes or simply to age (although, I do secretly wish for them), it's that awareness that time is running out for me to make the big break. The older I get, the more impatient I'd get.

Back then, when I was say, 14, so bloody care-free I was that all I had to and would do was to go to school, get out of it when the bell rang, finish up my homework, and the rest, I spent it on TV. That, and waiting for tomorrow to dawn on me. All I was doing back then was waiting, calmly as if something is going to fall on my lap.

Urh... Sue, don't you want to start getting active in co-curricular activities in school since you know, it polishes your resume - What the F**k, I'm only 14. Plus, convention has it that only the seniors get to hold posts in clubs and societies, so I can wait.

Sue, don't you want to start taking tuition classes since PMR is only just next year. What? - No000, you've mentioned the reason already, it's a whole freaking year away. Why start so early?! It can wait.

Sue, don't you want to start dating? You can take out half of the hours you spend on watching TV and spend it on boys instead? - You must be kidding. Firstly, there isn't any guys I like and vice versa. And, to begin dating at 14? I'll be worried for that dude cause Dad will surely kill him. It can definitely wait.

Everything could wait because damn, I was too young for anything. And now, I'm too old for them.

And may I rationalise the reason for the dormant, unambitious lifestyle - It was simply that the peers around me are just like me, going to the same school, experiencing the same cycle of routine day in day out. They were also waiting for themselves to grow older and then be sucked into this joy-vacuumed years of constant pressure to ... I don't know, discover eternal joy? There was yet to be any pressure on me to do and be better than them.

8 years gone by, finally, my wait is over. Here I am, scrambling for every second I've got to pursue that eternal joy or the shorter term goal which is to perform better than my peers. But one thing I could never apprehend is, why the hell do I need to forsake my used-to joy to chase for that eternal joy, which doesn't seem to be closing in any time soon? Why can't I be happy now and try to be happy-er in the future?

I was so freaking happy back then. Even though I had to walk to and fro the school and the grocery. But I was happy. Even though there were people who dissed me on my surname. But I was happy. Even though I didn't have many friends. But I was really really happy.

Entering into my semi-adulthood, I, along with my peers are judged and judge others based on what we have, be it intelligence, wealth, curves (?), the perimeters of our social network, oh and most importantly which university we're enrolled in. Why is it not possible to simply judge based on how happy one is?

After 5 years of investing my instant happiness in an effort to triumph over my contemporaries, I'm caving in to the fact that it's not worth the speculation anymore. More and more people around me are no longer playing in the same league as I do. I am in a way, in a league of my own, but nowhere near the premier one.

If I were happy now, I am certain that I wouldn't mind aging twice faster than the normal rate is. But the sad truth is, I'm not, therefore, I AM NOT WILLING TO AGE NO MATTER WHAT.

I'm waiting.

This whole incident struck me like a deja vu. It's happened time and again. It's not her fault, I should be happy for her but I found myself struggling to force a smile out. I've always thought a pitiful childhood will be reimbursed with an adulthood abundant with happiness. I've always thought what she has now will vanish within the years to come and those years to come would be my time to rise above others' expectation of me. All the waiting have exhausted my hunger for excellence and dashed my little hopes of having the last laugh.

Perhaps it's because I've met failure, that it has never seemed to have left me alone.

Monstrous.

Okay, I'll admit - I've been trying too hard far too long. What I am today (being pretentious) is a result of that relentless commitment of filling in the role I was taught to aspire to be one day. I've always wanted to be the person with subtle elegance and charisma with some degree of authority thriving along with almost everything I touch and get involved in. But what that ambition has made of me, is something I chide myself for every single day. And for these days, I would stand before the mirror, looking for my reflection, and turn away. I couldn't bear looking at my ugly self. I have turned into a monster, obsessed over perfection and everything glamorous, and intimidated by the better, greater things other monsters possess. I have to stop being so uptight and possessive over myself. Spontaneity and impulse are qualities I look at in admiration but those I could only yearn for in a life removed from the eyes of the people I want to impress who also happen to be the bunch I cherish the most.

My Treasured Heartache

Remember this date - 14th January 2012 - The day where FT Island held a concert in Malaysia and I couldn't be there to witness that historical event. I know I know, the older, more wrinkled and more matured me who is reading this at a later time would read this entry and begin giggling at the sight of the word, 'FT Island', reminiscing how silly I was then. But remember, I am at this point, as I'm writing, am on the verge of ripping my heart out to bring its burning sensation to a halt. As a result of the failure to do so, I was made to endure withdrawal symptoms. Lack of concentration, anxiety, high-octane level of sensitivity, and the extreme somberness were only some of the many psychology rides I have been taking on today.

I am sorry, Superpeng, for forsaking a rare opportunity for you to indulge sinfully in fangirl-ing over a group of 5 cutie pies. I swear that I'll make myself work very hard, earn lots and lots of money that I'll pay people for chaperoning me to concerts.