Out of the Door

All of a sudden, it became so vividly clear to me - that I have to leave this place. 

It's All A Lie

I have always taken pride in where I am now and the people I am surrounded with. But today, that pride I had had been taken away by the people I once believed were the best people one can ever learn from. I am now left exposed, fragile and vulnerable. The people I counted on are no longer the people I can rely on. I have been betrayed. He asked not to take this as a punishment, but a motivation to strive further and work harder - bunch of BS! He failed to realise he had just stabbed my heart with a sharp dagger. The wound is so bad that I can no longer bring myself to serve him or his purpose. I can't wait to see the day I wish them all farewell.

Ears and Mouth

Of course, the most cruel thing to have ever fallen upon your ears has to come from the mouth of your closest friend.

That One Phone Call

It hasn't quite sunk in yet. The delight and gratitude of being given a second chance. That moment when you thought nothing's ever going to go your way but a single phone call makes everything falls into place.

A New Chapter

Tomorrow will mark the beginning of a new chapter or as Jackie once put it, "the beginning of the end". The path to foreclose the previous one and to get here has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. The many places I was made to travel, the endless questions I struggled to churn out an answer to, the misery of rejection that I was forced to put through - I have remained undefeated by them all and I am proud of my feat.

I don't know what will tomorrow make me go through. One thing for sure, I will not succumb anymore.

S.O.S

Okay, maybe they need it. Help!

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Know what, this is good enough. I don't need to be given the centre stage. I don't need the glitz and glam. I don't need the stares dying from envy. I just need to get this through, done and dusted with. And I just have!

Moment of Truth

The moment of truth is about to come confront me. The result of my year long hard work is about to be revealed within hours. I don't want it to come near me. I don't want to know how I fared - because so long as it remains under wraps, there is still that hope no matter how tiny it is that I can continue hanging onto. Once it's out in the open everything will change - plans, expectations, routines, routes, the reactions I will have to endure. I want to continue hiding in this bubble of comfort, basking in the ray of hope.

Best Thing In This Galaxie - Part II

Right. I know I know, I owe something to this blog or to the blog readers (if any).

So let's start off with my first day. No, let's start off with a couple of days prior to the interview. Of course everyone would be curious about their working place - how many floors are there, its whereabouts, it's surroundings, whether there're any words on which part of the block gives out eerie vibe. Okay, maybe not everyone is curious about the last one, neither was I. But back to my point. So I was keen to know what sort of place would I be working in and searched for Galaxie's office in the Google search engine using keywords like 'Galaxie magazine', 'Galaxie office', what else... I could barely remember. But the point is, I couldn't locate any. Then like lightning striking my head or the bulb in my head just lit up, I recalled The Star owns Galaxie Mag. Duhhh... So Galaxie office must be in The Star's HQ right? Right? Right?

There I began, embarking on the Google adventure in search for images of my work place for the next 2 months. And boy I liked what I saw on my computer screen that I grinned like a mad child. The Star's HQ was astounding, not so much of a grandeur as the Daily Planet building. You know the one Clark Kent and Lois Lane worked as reporters in. The one with the mega-sized world globe pinned at the pinnacle of the building surrounded by a halo ring sporting the words 'Daily Planet'. TV and movies do make one stupid after all. Anyway, not as amazing as the Daily Planet building but it looked great, intimidating almost and it's tall with 'THE STAR''s billboard sitting majestically right at the top of that beautiful skyscraper. That sight made me a happy child.

Then of course like all kids who are told of the truth behind the mystic Santa Clause existence, my bubble of happiness burst just like that when my would-be editor, Gordon emailed me the address of Galaxie's office. It was in Shah Alam. A good 45 minute drive from home. Galaxie's office is in the same building with The Star's printing plant. It wasn't shabby neither was it fancy. And you'd see more guys in those navy blue mechanic-like uniforms than guys in suits and ties. In fact no one wears suits and ties there. Far from what I'd picture folks working in a magazine will have to contend with.

Now finally I shall begin describing my experience interning in the mag.

The first day was a bit of a puzzle. I was required to report myself in The Star's HQ first before checking into Galaxie. So that means I had to go all the way to Section 16, PJ where the headquarter's at and then to the office in Shah Alam. Being a total navigation noob on the road my bro and mom had to tag along to ensure I reach both locations safe and sound. Sounds like a pampered child you'd think. I won't blame you. I sometimes think I'm too prim and proper too. I go nuts when things don't go as planned.

Then by 10am if I recalled it right I was already on Galaxie's ground. I hovered around the lobby, waiting for the ever elusive receptionist to appear and perhaps guide me as to how the hell do I report myself to Gordon. I waited. Waited a bit longer. Waited even longer. And that receptionist never appeared. In fact I don't remember ever seeing anyone sitting at the reception throughout my tenure. I was saved by the senior writer in Kuntum, another weekly Malay publication under The Star's wings. He inquired my purpose hovering around the building and brought me into the office and I was swiftly introduced to the IT manager there, Pathma. Pathma was a nice guy. He once tried explaining to me the shorter and less expensive route to work from my place. Though I never really understood his instructions. I blamed it on the complicated names of our highways.

Pathma said guys in Galaxie should start coming in at 11am. Whilst waiting for them, he let me play one of the computers in his department. I waited for another half an hour at least until Evie came. Yippie! Evie led me to my designated desk. Everyone has different expectation of their working desk. I would say the one common aspect everyone expects is that it should provide a space for your bag. Yep, just a bag. Mine didn't even have one. For 2 months I had to put my tiny little bag on top of a pile of books stuffed in a box. It wasn't that horrible working in that desk. It just didn't feel personal. I didn't bother bringing my own mug because there wasn't a hot beverage maker in the pantry. If you wanted coffee, you could pay RM 1.80 to the mamak in the in-house cafeteria to make you one. But then you'd have to figure out where and how to hang that plastic bag containing your drink. There wasn't enough vacant space for me to put a spread out A4 sized paper. It had to be folded into half. Oh well.

The first 3 weeks I spent on updating Galaxie's facebook and twitter pages daily. It sounded easy at first.

Gordon: Okay, now what u'll first have to do like all our previous interns did, is to update our facebook and twitter daily. Post up at least 10 entertainment-related stuffs on them. Email me the draft of the 10 news and if I ok them, you can start putting them up one by one periodically.

Inside I was thinking - this should be a no-brainer. Now let's kickstart my internship!

And BAM! Then came the first blow to my self-esteem. Out of the 10 stories I sent in, only 2 got the green light. And then I heard my editor's heavy footsteps walking to my desk. He pulled out the chair from the adjacent desk, placed it next to me, sat on it and started coaching me on how to scout for the latest celebrity gossips. His complaints were that my news weren't updated, they weren't properly worded and they're just not juicy enough.

Thank god I did get better after a couple of days. I think by week 2 or 3, Gordon had allowed me to post entries in Galaxie's blog on a weekly basis. Blogging was slightly more fun cause I'd get to chip in, put in my two cents worth on the topic I was harping on. There was no maximum or minimum number of words required so it felt like a task within my comfort zone. My editor had occasionally inserted positive feedback to the blog drafts I sent to him. That spurred me up lot.

The routine of updating Galaxie's cyber outlets (facebook, twitter and blog lah) set me back at ease very quickly that I started thinking "huh that's it?!"

Of course there was more to come. Pace started picking up when my bum had just started to pick up the heat from resting too long on the chair in the office and I started following some of my colleagues to cover events and interviews.

The colleague whom I work with more often was Vivienne. She's such a darling. So sweet yet works so hard for Galaxie. I sometimes couldn't wrap around my head with how untimely working in a magazine can be. Of course people in newspapers and tv face the worst but Vivienne was ever so ready to do everything. I was pretty ashamed of myself really. More so when I found out she's a year younger. She's obviously more independent and capable than I am.

And then there's Evie and Nitha. Evie was just so chilled with my work. I think she barely edited the 2 pieces I did for her. That explains why I liked working with her. Nitha on the other hand was more picky (in a good way of course). She once commented that my subject headlines weren't punchy enough which was a fair remark. Too bad I didn't get to do more movie articles for her segment. All I did was a couple of movie reviews, movie news, celebrity quotes and contest write-ups.

Eddie, he... well more on him later. I find it easier to tell the rest of my experience in Galaxie by breaking it down into individual happenings in Galaxie that I have either witnessed or participated.

MTV Asia World Stage 2012

Yeah that was Justin Bieber there. I think that was my first assignment (not even sure if it was an assignment, more like a perk?) outside of the office. The instruction was to attend and have fun. Nah it was not an assignment. Evie asked if I'd like to go to the World Stage held at the Sunway Lagoon. Guess what my reply was. I asked if it's ok to give the entrance ticket to my bro instead. Cause my bro has been imploring incessantly for the tickets and the pressure from mom helped his cause as well. They both thought surely an entertainment mag should have tickets for such a big event. Evie was being nice and all and said she'll get back to me by the end of the day.

On our way to lunch Gordon asked about the ticket again ascertaining if I for sure don't want to go myself. I said I've been to the the previous 2 World Stages and I know how the whole thing works. I thought my bro wants it more. But I issued a disclaimer that it's perfectly alright if they don't want to give. I will understand.

Once we sat down for lunch, Gordon said he's going to give me 2 tickets. One for my bro and another for me! And they were VIP tickets!! That made lunch very tasty.

My bro and I felt ever so VIP-ish during the concert. There were free flow of foods, drinks and Twisties snacks. We got to bypass the strenuous long queues going into the concert ground. We had access to better furnished toilets. The toilets were the biggest plus for me cause I've had some pretty bad memories with those portable loos that the non-VIP attendees had to settle with. It was easily the comfiest concert I've ever been to. Thanks Gordon and Evie.

If there's just one more thing I could wish for it would be the interviews. Justin Bieber and Kara were the two celebs Galaxie got to interview but I wasn't assigned to any one of them. I know I'm too raw for these things at that time but I could have followed and be their sidekick. I would have been happy to carry their bags for them.

The Smurfs + HBO Publicity Event

There was nothing to rave about with regards to this one. I'll let the photos do the talking.

BUT the toilets in Hilton hotel were sooo... canggih.

Me : Where is the toilet? The sign says it's here. *Jaw dropped the moment the door slid automatically my guess is, from sensing my footsteps.*

From the automatic sliding door to the many awesome buttons to press, from the napkins neatly folded by the sink to the synthetic flowers as deco, they can all be summed up with one word - COOL! Oh and have I told you that the toilet lid opens also automatically when you get in there? It's like it's welcoming your butt. My, I'd be more than happy making it my bedroom.

Jo Kwon

He was the first celebrity interview I did and which I was entrusted to write an article on. I didn't get to meet him in the flesh. It was a video conference. This wasn't challenge beyond me, I think. The format of the article was of Q&A. So basically it was like transcribing from the recording I took that day and plonking everything he said in the page coupled with a few adjustments here and there. I did personally think the translator on our side could have done better. His answer to the only question I managed to get it through his representative's stringent filter went virtually unanswered. Not sure if he understood my question.

Khairul Fahmi

Khairul Fahmi is the goalkeeper for our national football team. We were at the press conference for the launching of a hair gel product. And he was the label's spokesperson. I didn't do his interview. I was there but the questions were courtesy of Vivienne. I wrote the article though. Nitha thinks he doesn't look like a conventional Malay guy (OMG can I be jailed for writing this?) That was my first impression of him too. I would have been sold if someone told me he's of a Chinese descent.

Once more the coolest part of this assignment wasn't really the chance of meeting our national sportsperson. It was the freebies! They gave out the entire range of hair gel products they have in the market to every attendee. That made my dad and bro very happy.

Step Up 2 Movie Screening

I got to pick the winners for the tickets to the movie screening. I felt like a King really, being given an absolute discretion to pick the winners, in whatever way I wanted. Fear not peeps cause I can safely tell ya'all they won fair and square. Their quotes were the better ones of the bunch that came in. The winners could have expressed their joy a little bit more though I reckon. Gordon said there were previous winners who screamed at the phone when told of their victory. None of mine reacted that way.

The more common reaction was : "Oh really? *Chuckled a little* Thanks."

The movie screening was at KLCC. Nitha said I can bring a couple of my friends to the screening and guess who I brought - My family! Funny though cause Vivienne and Justin, a previous intern at Galaxie brought their friends over. We had a great time. Free stuffs really do bring more joy to the table huh.

Debbie Goh

This one has a very interesting behind the scene tale I've got to share. But first, I've got to say she's a goddess. Tall, sleek frame, those legs wow(!). No wonder her acting portfolio boasts of works in Hong Kong and Mainland China and no surprise at all when she claimed she's a good friend of Charmaine Sheh. They're both gorgeous. She was pretty obliging throughout the interview. She not only answered every single question I proposed but also provided a reasonable length of elaboration in all her replies, which is evident of the breadth of her experience in the show business and in the encounters with people from the press. She knows what to say and how to say it.

What a shame that a large chunk of what she said during the interview didn't make the cut to the final draft of the page. We had planned to put her in our Fast Five segment, which is a column for asking the celebrity of the day five something. That something can be anything from giving us five best remedies for breakups; to the five facts that people may not know about themselves. Because I wanted to make it a thematic round cause Khairul's Fast Five in the previous issue was already a general one, which I had only managed to churn out a 'here's five things he said to Sue Peng Teh' out of what Vivienne wielded out of him, the piece I ran on her had to be streamlined, very. Sorry Debbie. But hats off to you for coming up with 5 actresses you look up to on your feet.

Alright now here's the background story I've been dying to tell.

I didn't have a clue about her interview until that very morning. Vivienne texted me in the morning telling me that she'd forgotten everything about the interview and told me to look up for her info and compose 10 questions for her. I did what she told me to. The interview was scheduled at after lunch. Viv had another assignment to complete that day, which was to model coloured jeans and to have her legs photographed by The Star's photographer. The photographer was late and Viv figured she couldn't make it to the interview with Debbie and so she asked me to go - without her.

I frazzled very quickly. A one on one interview is scary enough but going there all by myself? I tried google mapping the place and there were so many highways I didn't know and so many road names I haven't heard before. My dad, my human GPS didn't know where it is exactly either. I cried, in the office! I was left in the lurch, not knowing what to do. I thought I really had to wander around in my dying Proton car in KL till the moon comes out. That was, until my dad came up with a brilliant idea - He asked me to go home, pick my bro and mom up and have them tag along. So that if I were to get lost midway, there wouldn't be A person getting lost, it'd be THREE. Bravo dad!

Finished laughing? Oh you don't have to stop cause I did exactly that. No of course I didn't tell Gordon that my mom and bro will be tagging along. I did ask if it's okay if I head straight home after the interview which he gave a firm nod. Nobody seemed to notice the fact that I cried. I guess it was perfectly camouflaged by the runny nose and terrible cough I had that time. That, or they just don't want to provoke it further.

Equipped with the Papago application in my bro's phone, we headed out to the restaurant Debbie Goh owns. Yes she's a restaurateur. Gee how many things are there on her plate? We missed a turn, forced to make a U-turn but all in all, we reached there on time.

I climbed up the stairs leading to the restaurant, saw a woman and introduced myself. We shook hands. That woman told me, "Cindy's went... (somewhere, I don't remember). She should be back in a while. Should we wait for her?"

I said, " Oh okay. We'll wait."

We had a one line exchange and then she continued playing with her phone. I just kept reading my questions over and over again.

10 minutes into waiting for Cindy, I thought to myself, "She's so darn pretty. She doesn't look like Debbie's personal assistant. She looks more like... bloody hell... Debbie! OMG, she is Debbie. Why the hell are we waiting for Cindy?"

In my mind I was slamming my head at an imaginary wall. I couldn't wait for Cindy any longer and broke the silence.

"Do we really need Cindy for this?"

"Oh of course not. Do you want to start now?"

"Yes please."

Switched on my recorder and of everything I could have chose to start my interview with, I decided to re-introduce myself.

"Hi my name is Teh Sue Peng and I'm from Galaxie..."

Really?

Him Law

He was arguably the star which gives me the biggest bragging rights so far. My editor had no idea who he is. He had to consult me. I gave him a decent commendation, citing the fact that he's an up and rising Hong Kong TVB actor. Most canton drama-goers would have no trouble recognising him. Gordon bought that and sent me to the roundtable interview. Another solo trip for me and truth to be told, it was a Sunday morning well spent.

Him Law was so handsome, just like what he looks like on screen. He was right behind me, going into the NTV7's office. I turned around and was like, "why would anyone want to wear those shoes?", having little to no idea at all that he's the subject for my interview. Another Debbie-Goh moment.

See what I mean?

Cindy, yeah that Cindy that I stupidly waited for thinking she has Debbie with her, was the person who invited us to the interview. She was kind enough to translate my question to him in Cantonese. All the other reporters there were from Chinese press. And their chatters before the interview tickled me so much. One of them said in Cantonese: "Wah, he very romantic ('long man') wan leh. He was singing 'yue liang dai biao wo de xin' outside just now". Turned out that that was one of the songs that he was going to sing at an event later in the day in Seremban.

He was very polite with the reporters. All smiles, no frowns, not even the slightest indication of agitation particularly when he was driven to a corner, bombarded with questions about him and Tavia Yeung. He gave everyone a brief moment of eye contact. When it was my turn, I turned away. His eyes were too deadly.

Posted this on facebook in no time. It was no fluff when I said he gave me the biggest bragging rights. I literally brushed a star's shoulder!

Carrie Underwood

If there was one assignment during my stint that broke my heart, that made me feel so regretful over, that I'd wish I can turn back time and do it again, it would be the Carrie Underwood write-up. Being a fan of her, I was pretty geared up to write about her and the latest album she released. The problem is, there's just so little that is known about her album. Country singers and albums don't sell well in parts of the world that aren't known as America. What I had was a sound recording of her talking about her album and each of her songs. There were some stuffs I found on the internet as well. So the trick I had hoped would work is to piece them together and come out with a decent piece.

That didn't work out too well for me. Eddie gave me a hard time over it. He said my article didn't flow, the title didn't make sense and there was nothing the article could theme itself around. The message he was trying to get across to me was that the piece I wrote sucked. I gave it a little tweaking but it wasn't up to par either. I threw in the towel and told him I don't know what to do with it anymore. And boy that grimace he pulled at me when I told him that, I remembered it oh so well. He took off his glasses, had his eyes shut and his thumb, index and middle fingers were rubbing along his nose bridge, all while telling me he'll do it.

I was upset - at myself. I thought I had told Gordon during the interview that I love writing and I'm good at it. That I can see myself spending the rest of my life writing. Look at me now, my writing has been a let down. Everything that I took pride with was a mere fluff. I thought I love writing. I thought I'm good in what I love to do. I thought.

For the second time in that month, I cried in the office. I suspect what made the crying worse was the fact that the results of my LLB third year were released on that very day too. A lot of emotions were invoked that day and so my tear duct went berserk.

Eddie told me the very next day that he's done altering the article and asked me to read it to see if it sounded better. Who was he kidding, of course his version was better. When the issue's out, the first page I found myself reading was that Carrie Underwood write-up and my name was plastered in the centre of the singer's poster. I was ashamed of myself. That piece has been modified so much that it bore no resemblance to what I wrote whatsoever. And I really really didn't like it that Eddie made it clear to the readers that this article has been enhanced thanks to him by adding the phrase, "additional reporting by Edward Gomez" on that page. I have read some works of previous interns but none of their works had that phrase brandished on them.

No Doubt

This was my second attempt to write a research-based article. No interview, no materials from Sony Entertainment. I wasn't sure if I was up for it for I had no idea who else are in the band except for Gwen Stefani and their music is rather distinct, not the sort of genre you'd listen playing on the radio day in day out. A lot of preliminary groundwork had to be done before I could even start writing on them.

The outcome wasn't as bad as the Carrie Underwood piece although it once again underwent some major editing. But the gist of my input was there and I had braced myself for it knowing it's Eddie who's supervising this page so there's no cry-cry moments from me.

But that "additional reporting" line stayed.

Make no mistake though, on a personal level Eddie is a nice guy. He's strict when it comes to work. He's the senior writer for Galaxie, hence naturally heavy responsibilities hinge on his shoulders. His job is on the line if I don't write good enough I guess. He's a law grad by the way, professing his fondness for law as a subject matter for studies but not as a profession. The first week with him was uncomfortable because he would come up with some pop quiz over lunch, expecting me to answer them correctly. Questions which have got nothing to do with journalism or anything. Stuffs like what is the capital of Singapore (which Gordon shared there was an intern who answered Orchard Road), which Englishman 'menjajah' Malacca, what is the capital of Kedah.

When I said I've forgotten all these things, he exclaimed, "You're talking as if you left high school  20 years ago. What that makes of us then?"

"No, the British did not INVADE Malacca!"

I still don't get his point. Didn't the Great Britain essentially invade Malacca? Who did then?

Niall Leonard

This was the closest I could be associated with Fifty Shades Of Grey. I interviewed the book's author's husband - about the book he wrote. His interview was my last assignment for Galaxie so I gotta give this a little mention. Well it was barely an interview. The whole rigmarole involved me emailing his representative a list of questions I came up with after reading his book which was at that time yet to be out in the market and then approximately a week later I received his answers to those questions.

Googled him and the internet treated him cruel. There were more talks of him being the husband of EL James, being nicknamed as Mr. Fifty Shades, than his own work. He didn't just pop out of nowhere with a book after witnessing his wife's rise to the stardom, he hailed from a long standing experience of writing for dramas and movies. He was gracious enough to answer questions regarding his wife's very successful yet controversial novels. Truth to be told, I had my doubts whether it was appropriate to post those questions to him. I mean who would want his own work to be overshadowed by that of his other half and who would want to feel like he's riding on the fame of someone close to him and that's the only reason for the attention on him? But it was Gordon's instruction, I had no choice.

I have read this man's book - Crusher; and Fifty Shades. I can tell you first hand, he's a better writer than EL James. Oh I'll leave reviews of Crusher and the Fifty Shades trilogy for another day.

The Team

Working with these guys - Gordon, Eddie, Nitha, Evie, Vivienne and Gerry had been a whole lot of fun and satisfying. During our team meeting to discuss who gets to be on the front cover for subsequent issues and miscellaneous stuffs, they accepted my suggestions wholeheartedly. They took me in as a competent writer yet were very willing to quench my doubts. Gordon told me there is no boss-employee hierarchy in the team and it's clear he practiced what he preached.

Talking with these guys were even more fun. They never failed to include me in their conversation from all the juicy gossips in The Star's headquarter to every member's pet peeves. I rarely felt left out in their chatters.

Gordon in particular had been throughout my stint very forgiving. For instance, my mom and bro came to fetch me from work very early on my first day after some miscalculation of the time needed to arrive at my office. Gordon let me off without a single complaint.

"Oh your brother came already? Sure you can leave now." He said that with a wide grin.

Gordon gave credits for some of the things I brought up, like the Christian Bale's story of how he went through the miles to pay victims of the The Dark Knight Rises tragic shooting incident in Colorado, a visit. Little remarks he made, like "That's a good one, Sue", "Nice story", "Not bad for a rookie writer", "Oh I'll miss you when you leave" - whether typewritten by emails or spoken from his mouth, always made my day a little brighter.

I have never really told him how grateful I am of him accepting me as their intern. There was a great sense of urge to email him a letter of appreciation when I read that he was leaving Galaxie, until I found out he was only being transferred to the headquarter. I would never forget that little note he jotted down to the HR department which I happened to sneak a little peek on when reporting myself to the HR on my first day - which read, "This girl is deciding between law and journalism. Please give her a chance." He defended his decision of hiring me despite being questioned by his superior. I don't think any stranger has ever done that for me and I don't think anyone else will.

And this was Galaxie's farewell gift for me:

Size Matters

I think it has been part of my daily routine to mourn and lament about my life. About how others live better than me. How I've been an oversight and an outcast. But today I dispensed myself of that routine, for predictably one day (old habits die hard), and come to a realisation that I deserve them all. That I deserve to just forever feel pathetic about my myself. That I deserve to feel nothing but grave jealousy at successes of others. That I deserve to not ever be complacent about my anticipatory fate.

Because I am small. A small person. Never a person with a big heart - big enough to give and to not think about returns. Never had a big personality - which could have come in handy to wow and impress. Never one with big, bold strides - big and bold enough to extend my hand and know a stranger; big and bold enough to go the mile and accept a challenge. And I am certainly not a person with evident humility - not enough to admit mistakes and contain the embarrassment.

The only thing big in me is my ego. Always placing myself above everyone else. Always finding fault in others. Always attaching exorbitant value on myself to lives of others. That their lives revolve around me.

The truth is, I'm a nobody. Their lives go on with, or without me.

So What If?

So what if all my life I've been working very hard to top the pecking order if what others are only willing to see are my flaws?

So what if I've been spending most of my time all cooped up in my room doing just the most unexciting thing ever if others are only able to see how uneventful my life has been?

So what if I've tried so relentlessly comforting myself when all others fail to notice how much I want this?

So what if I really want something so badly when none of them are willing to give me a chance?

So what if I've never surrendered to my viciousness and my jealousy when people around me have never failed to live better, attain more and excel further than me?

To God, to my peers, my educators and potential employers - they who have the power to give and enable, whom I have never been visible to.

I apologise for being so ordinary.

I apologise for taking my life too seriously.

I apologise for not trying to be entertaining.

I apologise that my achievements fall off the radar so quickly.

I apologise for not being better than the others.

I apologise for my monotony.

I apologise I couldn't do any better.

I apologise for not being memorable.

I apologise for not knowing what's so incorrect and ill-fitting about me.

Now... can You start giving me what I want?

Best Thing In This Galaxie

I needed the whole thing to set in before I can present a proper and impartial evaluation on my whole experience interning with Galaxie mag's editorial team.

Nah that was a lie. I was just plain lazy. That's one and two, there are some things I needed to figure out since the results got out. Note on that - still figuring it out. And so haven't really got the time to feel nostalgic about the interning days which should have been able to compel me to write something about it. A write up at five in the morning after a good hair wash sounds like one of those typical moments to feel nostalgic eh? Possible.

Interning with Galaxie was perhaps the luckiest thing that has ever hit on me. It all began with a random email. The same email which I believe Seventeen mag, The Star and NSTP would have received. You know, the same introductory line I lifted from the very email I sent to SLB cause I thought hey if I scored that with this line, the theory is that this should work for any other employer too right? Guess bosses from those other mags have different taste. Wouldn't be bothered though cause Gordon gave me that break I was relentlessly praying for. The break from law. I mean it was my final months before I graduate (gotta admit I had doubts whether that will happen this year), it was a either-you-do-now-or-you'll-never-know crossroad. I know if I didn't click 'send' to that email, I would regret for the rest of my life knowing I didn't have the balls to get my hands on the thing I've been preaching that I will do someday.

When Gordon replied me, my eyes froze, staring at that subject headline for more than five seconds before clicking on it. Not even an ounce of belief was invested in the possibility for a reply from the I-once-used-to-read magazine. An appointment was arranged and even when he put it clearly it was going to be a chat, I took it that it's an interview. I arrived darn early for fear of a negative impression and I sat in the lobby quietly without making any large movement. Too cautious you may think but you would never know, he might be watching. So turns out he wasn't watching. The interview, as in the chat with Gordon was a laid back one. It was in the lobby and pretty warm, no not from my constant flushing. The sun was harsh to me that day okay. But just when I started warming up to him to the point that I shared with him my exclusive dream, a dream that no one has any knowledge of except for a certain someone, he asked me to write - on the spot! Inside I was thinking oh come on, like a pop quiz when I was in Standard 3 to see who gets to be dismissed first? No, this is worse than a pop quiz. This is an essay exam. I wrote a movie review on The Avengers and a short write up on TVXQ, my self-proclaimed-favourite-but-actually-I-was-no-longer-interested-in-Kpop K-Pop boy band. But when he told me that he appreciates it that a law student like yours truly would take some time off for a detour in journalism, my sixth sense told me I may have found the right person to work with.

My dad wasn't too happy with the news when I told him I got the confirmation from The Star's HR (Galaxie is owned by The Star by the way). He expressed his qualms by blaming it on the forty-minute long drive to the workplace for such a meagre allowance but I know deep down it's cause he's always thought his daughter is going to be a lawyer. He must have thought that journalism dream of mine has long been forgotten, devoured by this new-found hunger for a niche in the corporate world. It's not his fault though. He gloats on the fact that I'm a lawyer on my way and I've been more than happy to pave the way for that presumption. He gritted his teeth and gave his blessing anyway and I know I've said that it annoys me but there's a tinge of awkward poignant sentiment aroused in me looking back at the times when he called during working hours to remind me to drive with extra caution when it rained cats and dogs outside. Oh and also the fact that the monthly allowance wasn't discontinued despite my paid internship. I swear, I did say NO when he handed me the money. I even pushed the money away with full force, short from stuffing it back into his grip. But he insisted. *grin*

To be continued...

Sucker = Me

I can never truly be happy for someone else, can't I? What a loser I am!

Truly Amazing

I was wrong all along. Miracles do happen - to me...

Gray.

Spread my wings and fly. That's a resolution I made prior to the finals which I had now gone through and bid farewell to. But wait a minute, where are the wings? And it certainly doesn't look like I'm flying at the moment. College life is a phase I initially was very thrilled to embark upon and when it didn't look like it's ever going to come to an end, I began dreading to continue and had been very anxious to make that giant sprint into something else. But now when the finishing line is within the sight, I dread leaving the path and am uncertain whether to make that turning into working life or that something else discreetly ingrained in my flickering heart.

Fascinating visuals brimming into my vision is one of the very few personal qualities I take a lot of pride of. When I go through a torrid time in real, the surreal life of mine takes it further and mortified the life I tricked myself into believing for an easier flow of sympathy I wage on myself. When it's the other way round, the illusion takes a turn and paints it all bright and sunny with me living a blissful life perhaps even companion-ed for my own gratification. But I cannot at the moment, picture myself in a life post-result day not for the obvious reason. Yes, it can go either way. The outcome may be very bad, or moderately good. I may be crying in tears for either of the two very polarised reasons. But no, that's not the source to my limping fantasising ability. Truth is, my life after college (or my degree course, to be precise) has it's very beautiful plan. But it's a plan sounding dubious if it's presented to the realists and overtly ambitious if it's fallen to the knowledge of my parents. Curiosity is endless on the plans of my friends because they always sound so do-able. I'm always hesitant in revealing mine. Even if I do end up saying something about it, it appears to be direction-less, heading nowhere. 

Which is why a lot of stake is weighed onto the three months I am supposed to savour to its limits. I dreamt miles and miles about it. I want to do this, I want to go here and there, I want to take up classes, I want to work here and I want to create a legion of stories to share with my to be colleagues or postgraduate mates. Yet nowhere near I am currently to that requisite first step to make all those take its place. I have done nothing to save it from being 'just another school break'.

Now that I think about it, the 3 months spent on being an awkward receptionist doesn't sound so futile anymore. At least my pocket gets deeper by each day I spent on daydreaming. 

Old and New.

I will be lying if I'd said I didn't miss those days. I do, all the time. I'm a grown up (I convinced myself that I am so) and so, I understand that it is an era I needed to leave behind in order to move on. For a better life? - I don't know about that though. But it will always be a strand of memory which I know was a life-changing one. There, I discovered friendship stripped of chivalry, my curiosity for the life out of comfort zone was ignited and I learnt that ambitions are like unbankable blank cheques until you fight your way through to get it signed and filled up. I learnt many things which I often dreamt about when I was younger are unreal, and the things I could only see on TV are actually kinda real, they do occur in a run-of-the-mill fashion.

When I'm down, either because the current life isn't treating me too well or because I couldn't get things moving, I choose to dwell on those moments. Then the remorse that I didn't do more, learn more and know more back then would overwhelm me. Because if I did, I wouldn't end up being like this today. Sometimes I just wish someone cared - about me. Sometimes I just wish I could end it so that a new life awaits me in the next cycle. Maybe I just need to get a new life.

Daydream saves my life from getting drowned by the brutal reality. I've always dreamt nice things happening to me. Flashes of me getting a man whom I love and who cherishes me more than his mother, me writing by the lake for my next New York Times' best seller, me in a dark blue pair of converse strolling around the office in search of ingenious pointers to help free my client from law suits and of course me, paying for a Louis Vuitton handbag with my platinum card for my mom's birthday. But I've never imagined how life would be like if I were to graduate with a degree classification no firm would spare a glance at. Well, I would most probably be mourning for the rest of my life about that and continue to yearn for the impossibles.  

I've lost it! I've lost the hope I've been harbouring for this entire year. Sure, the results aren't out yet and we all know miracles happen. It does but what are the odds? In fact, the stats have it that I don't stand a chance at all. And sure, there are many things my finger can effortlessly point at - the pressure, the time, the place, the people, the method I employed and the selections of the less obvious, but the truth is, I've never really believed in myself even until the last moment before I peed and stepped into the arena. All I've been doing is gobbling up all the necessary information and holding my hopes high that the right platform will fall on me for me to plate them all up. So much to prepare, so much to tinker about yet so little time I'm given is not an excuse but I can't help but to think they contribute a whole lot for the feigning hopes. Yes, I'm contradicting myself here. I want to believe so much that I'm not the cause for my failure and I want to believe so much that everything else played a part in that scheme.

I'm done for this year. Whilst I'm relieved it's over, I find myself baulking at the idea that I'm no longer an undergraduate, that there's no more papers for me to resurrect my hopes. I have lost my sanity, haven't I?

I looked back at what I wrote 8 days prior to the first paper around the same time of last year. It says there stress has yet to seep in. Wow! I must say I was impressed with how calm and cool I was last year cause history isn't repeating itself for me currently.

Could never have thought my days would get easier as the exams are drawing near. Both yesterday and today have been pleasant, I must say. Yes, there were certain junctures where long breaks were lingering in the thought but I pressed on and in the end, clocked out at 1am yesterday, feeling satisfied with the harvest for the day. But deep inside I'm very well aware that the real trying time will begin next week when there's no more excuse of those long, dreadful classes in my way to impede my progress. Thank you for giving me that much needed breather. Now that I'm all rejuvenated I promise that I'll charge on with no fear and frowns.